The Not So Great Recession
I have to admit it; I’m kind of over the recession. Don’t get me wrong, I was as into it as anyone when it started. The fear and anxiety, the worry, the panic, the downward spiral. The whole end of the empire feel the entire thing had. Yes, finally, we’re living in historical times! It was exciting.
Plus, there were all the recession specials, recession deals, and recession discounts. I grew a thick recession beard, adopted a chic new recession style, and considered getting a recession vasectomy. I sunk toothily into my recession depression, read everything I could find to satiate my recession obsession, and didn’t even mind my case of recession indigestion. I was fully invested in the recession era.
It was fun, in a wistful sort of way. The hunkering down, the hole in my sweater, the shoe-rubber soup. I felt like a black and white Newsie just trying to earn a nickel for firewood that I’d burn in a trashcan out front of my family’s aluminum-roofed hut in Hooverville. I couldn’t wait to wait in breadline. It all had a certain nostalgia to it.
It hearkened back to another, more pure era. Of families gathered around radios. Of communities rallying around one another and doing whatever they could to help out a neighbor. Of a spirit of we’re all in this together and we’ll do whatever we can to make it work. Of a shared struggle. The recession had a certain beauty of a renewed American conscience to it.
But now, I’m ready to be rich again. Really, really disgustingly rich. Just filthily embarrassing rudely ridiculously absurdly asininely spit in your face rich. Just monstrously exorbitantly gaudily fart in your covers rich. Just extravagantly violently uncomfortably shave your dog and teach him to walk backwards rich. Why can’t we go back to the way things used to be?
I want to spend superfluously. I want to gamble grievously. I want to buy things I have absolutely no use for and never use them. I want to shop til I drop then get back up and shop some more. I want luxury and comfort. I want lots of stuff. I want my baby back ribs smothered in barbecue sauce, with extra barbecue sauce on the side, and I want them brought to me while I lean back in my booth, pull out my Blackberry, and bid on vintage barbecue sauces on eBay.
Joni was right. You really don’t know what you got til it’s gone. And I want to return to the paved parking lot paradise of my local mini-mall and go on a spree. I want to return to the old America. The America of six months ago.
And, don’t get me wrong. The recession has had its positives. It was good to get some time apart from our money. A break from our bankroll. A gut check for our, well, ever-expanding guts. Distance had made my heart grow fonder of affluence. I’ve definitely learned a new appreciation for our American wealth and luxury. And now I’m ready for it to return.
I miss our consumerism. I miss our conspicuousness. I miss our being the rage of all the world. Can’t we just retreat back to making the big bucks? No, literally, can’t we just make a bunch more big bucks and then hand them out to everyone. Like a trillion dollar bill or something. It can be our bonus.
I’m just so bored of the recession. The excitably dire news coverage. The job losses, the cut-backs, the foreclosures. It’s all such a drag. Even last week when they hauled Bernie, the man who Madoff with everyone’s money to jail, I couldn’t get excited. I just felt bad for him. He looked so sad. And these assholes over at AIG. I can’t help but think of the long hours they must’ve worked. Their poor families.
There’s just nothing new and impressive about this recession anymore. It’s enough already. We’re a fast-changing, fifteen minute culture and this recession has had more than its allotted time. It was fun when it was a crisis but now it’s just reality, and that’s not so entertaining. I’m ready for something new.
Even if it is the end.
And now…this week’s trivia:
Famous Patricks
1) On another night he could be his own category, but tonight he’ll just be a question. The most beloved Patrick of all. We’re talking of course about, The Swayze. Unfortunately, for movie, entertainment and life-lovers everywhere, this has been a sad year for the Swayze as he is currently engaged in a fight for his life with cancer. What Swayze organ is stricken with the disease?
2) I expect a mix of groans and applause on this one. Because, on the one hand, it’s a sports question. But, on the other hand, it is about the greatest, most iconic athlete of our lifetimes. That’s right, we’re talking about The Flat-Top King, Patrick Ewing. Ewing of course cemented his Hall of Fame professional career while playing for The New York Knicks, but what university did Ewing lead to 3 Championship games in his four years, and one national championship?
3) There are many of us, who, like Lee Greenwood, are Proud To Be an American. But perhaps no more proud than the prominent American Revolutionary Patrick Henry. Henry, along with Sam Adams and Thomas Paine was one of the leading figures in The American Revolution. For one point, what is the 7 word quotation most often-associated with Mr. Henry?
4) There may be no more famous fictional Patrick then Patrick Bateman, the titular American Psycho from both the book and film of the same name. Name the author who created Patrick Bateman and has included him in 3 of his novels including Rules of Attraction, Glamorama, and, of course, American Psycho.
5) This is why I love trivia. We’ll now go from Patrick Bateman to Patrick Star—Yes, Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants star-fish best friend on the eponymously named Nickelodeon hit animated series. SpongeBob SquarePants is actually such a hit that is currently holds the distinction of being the second longest running series in Nickelodeon’s history. What other animated classic was the network’s longest running series?
6) Certainly the hottest Patrick on our list, unless you really dig the colonial or flat-top look, is racing poster-girl Danica Patrick. As well as being pleasing to the eye, Danica is also pretty fast. In fact, in 2008 she became the first woman to ever win an Indy Car race. She did this in a 300 lap race that took place in what country?
Answers
1) Pancreas
2) Georgetown
3) Give me liberty, or give me death
4) Bret Easton Ellis
5) Rugrats
6) Japan
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