The Wall
Of all the immigration policy ideas proposed, the one I love the most is The Wall. The building of a seven-hundred mile wall along the Mexican border just seems to me to be a brilliant idea. We build a gigantic, surveillanced, sensored, armed, electric, barb-wired wall with a moat all around it inhabited by feroucious crocodiles and then just chuck all the illegal immigrants on the other side. Problem solved. But, the beauty of this unpenetratable barrier, is why stop with our workforce?
What about the homeless? What the hell have they done for us lately? I’m sick and tired of walking down the street and having to step over these broken people. Sick and tired of having to stare off to the left or right to avoid eye contact. Sick and tired of having to shrug my shoulders at a request for my spare change. How can I give up my spare change when exact change is so important? I don’t want to have to break my big bills. Sick and tired of having to read their crummy, cardboard signs. Why don’t we just throw them over the wall?
And how about the homos? How much longer do I have to put up with their parades? With their public displays of affection? With their pleas for equality? It’s the US of A, not the US of Gay. I’m simply fed up with their fashion sense and clean disposition. Not only shouldn’t we let them get married, we should just throw them over the wall.
And hos. With their mini-skirts and menthol breath. Strutting their stuff all along the street. Standing on the corners or sitting in seedy bars. Dating rich older men. Dying their hair blonde. Trying to make enough money to support their two children they had as a teenager. Everyone knows you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, so let’s just throw them over the wall.
Also, while we’re at it, what the hell do we need the handi-capped for? With their ramps and guard-rails. And their priority parking. And their unbelievably tough existence. Everytime I see that missing seat at the movie theatre it just pisses me off. Let’s toss them over the wall, wheel-chairs and crutches and all.
And the heavy. Those fat people giving America a bad name throughout the globe. Those fat disgusting people that make us all feel better about ourselves. Those fat slobs of humanity who you can’t even look at when you’re trying to eat your cheese-steak in the foodcourt. What good are these obese monsters doing for any of us? Daunting as it may be, we should just toss these people over the wall one by one.
Let’s go people. We got a wall, let’s make use of it. Bring us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses and we’ll drop them over the wall. Those yearning to be free can do it on the Mexico-side for a change. We don’t need these wretched refuse of society. Let’s throw that trash over the wall and into the golden dumpster next door.
The ugly can be tossed over as well. What do we need them for? Walking around with their disproportionate features and cratered complexions. We have the potential to be a beautiful society. But not if we’re going to keep letting the hideous among us frolic about unhindered. There should be a nation-wide pageant. Everyone who gets eliminated in the first round, we just hurl over the wall. We’ll make it a reality show.
And how about the stupid. Let’s get rid of them while were at it. We can send out a standardized test to every home in America. If you fail, two homeland security guys show up at your door, kidnap you, bring you to the base of the wall in Texas, and toss you over. Lets wipe our hands clean once and for all of all the American idiots.
And the smelly. Those with bad breath and poor hygiene. We don’t need them stinking up our country anymore. We got enough problems with pollution in this society, we need not just let smelly folks wander around freely. We’ll send out some search dogs to sniff these people out. And as soon as we find them, heave ho, it’s over the wall they go.
We can make America clean my friend, from sea to shining sea. We can root out those who don’t belong, catapult them over the wall, and forget about them forever. We are soon to be blessed to live within a walled society–a society that makes this all possible. We now have the right to pick and choose our citizenry. If you don’t meet certain standards of American-ness, be it appearance, alikeness, or the ability to achieve financial stability, then it’s over the wall with you.
And a word of advice. Don’t trust any gifts in return from Mexico. If they send over a giant horse-shaped pinata, I’m telling you, it’s not candy inside. Be wary of anything coming from south of the border from here on out. From now on, that border is a one-way street. We send them what we have no use for, and accept nothing in return. Sort of like with our water.
Man am I excited about this wall idea. It’s worked so well in the past. Like in Berlin, and Northern Ireland, and Palestine. Everyone loves a good wall. Finally a step in the right direction for this nation. A step toward purity. I just better shower up, before I end up in Oxacaca married to a homeless man in a wheelchair with the IQ of a fishstick.
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