Geelastic
The Venerable Writings of Gavin Shulman: Updated Every Tuesday-ish (gavinshulman@gmail.com)

As of the introduction there were four reality television contenders competing for a date with my Tivo. I met them in this order, Blind Date, the oldest, but nicely put together, and sort of funny. Elimidate, about my age, crazy, with a dash of trash. Shipmates, a little long, a little heavy, and might be too tall. And The Fifth Wheel, definitely trashy, but the craziest of the bunch.

For the first round I watched all four. But the whole time I knew I was going to cut Shipmates. She just wasn’t really talking. I didn’t think we had a connection. I didn’t really get to know her personality. Plus she was a little long and a little heavy. Sort of depressing. Sorry, Shipmates, but I’m going to have to cut you first. All the rest of you get a season pass to round two.

Here’s where I got to know them all a little better. I watched The Fifth Wheel the most. I could watch a few times in a row. Just keep watching and watching. Cause she’s crazy, and sort of sexy, but maybe a little too much. As for Blind Date, everyone who came over liked her the best. When other people were around and I would talk to Tivo’s manager and ask what they wanted to watch, they would always say Blind Date. She was bubbly. But, I could tell that there was something special about Elimidate. She wasn’t going to put it all out there right away.

So, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let The Fifth Wheel go. Honestly, I didn’t want to. But the editors said I had to. They said it would make a better story that way. The lovable, but homely Blind Date, versus the freak in the streets, lady in the sheets Elimidate. Those are the two biggest. In fact, Blind Date rates higher with viewers. Plus, they’re both being cancelled, that’s sort of the point of the story. So, The Fifth Wheel, you deserve a better writer, one equal to you, who will throw you up against the wall of a bus and make sweet bus love to you in a bang-bang room, but I’m just not that bold, sorry.

So, we’re down to the final two. The last round. Now we’re drinking. Now were drunk. It’s late. I’m about ready for bed. But, I need to do some watching first. I click on the big button at the top of my remote. Ping. I scroll up my Now Playing list. Ping ping ping ping, pong. It was the last thing I recorded. I circle it up. I select it. And it’s the only thing I want. I’m sorry Blind Date, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ve made my choice. Elimidate’s who I want to go to bed with. What can I say, I like crazy bitches. And game shows.

And now they’re taking you off the air? Blind Date too? What? You don’t have a timeslot for a boyfriend?

That’s right people. They are killing television dating. They are cancelling both Blind Date and Elimidate. I know that may come as a shock, so I will let it sink in. There will be no new episodes. There will be no more trash television. This is the death of reality. Real is no longer real enough, so we’re going to have to go back to fake dating. Face to face.

This is our demographic they’re demolishing. We are the daters. They’re taking away our show. Where will we go to watch others be as awkward as us? Where will we go to see that there are still other singles out there, and slightly more desperate? Where will we go to learn?

Elimidate. O Elimidate. It is you who teaches us to always be aggressive. To fight for our lovers. Like a gladiator. To make the first move in Round Two. To stop talking in Round Three. The silent worm gets the bird.

Elimidate. O Elimidate. I live my life by your formula. Every time I go out I assemble four girls in my mind. One of them I will never talk to, one of them I won’t really like, and then whichever of the other ones kisses me first I will make out with in a hot-tub. What will happen to me when the cameras stop rolling?

Elimidate. O Elimidate. Sweet Elimidate. Do not go gentle unto that good late night. If you don’t want to be cut you must compete. It is you who taught us that. Your ratings may be slipping slightly, but you still average a million. Use that and build. New cities, new gimmicks, new advertising, a new network. Do not just walk away.

I wish, in the conclusion, I could bow out gracefully. I wish I can say that I don’t really care that its been cut, I wasn’t too into it anyway, and I had a lot of fun. I wish I could confidently say that there are plenty of other shows out there, and I’m going to call up my friends, hit the club, and stare at some tonight. If only I could say that it probably couldn’t handle me anyway. But, it’s just not true. I loved Elimidate. I don’t want to lose her.