Rightful Death
If you’re going to die, you’d better do it on a slow news day. Or else you’re not going to get any grief. Without media coverage, who will mourn? A memorable death is all about timing. You can’t go on the same day a goat is made out of another goat, or fourty goats are slaughtered by an evil dictator, or a flock of goats disappears into the sea, or a giant goat has a fatal brain aneurysm and expect to be the lead story. No way. When you go, you really got to be the only thing that went.
Take the miners for example. Terrible story. A true tragedy. But if a flood struck Iowa, they’d be lucky just to make the ticker at the bottom of the screen. West Virgina; A number. Dead in a mining accident. That’s all you would get. Because twenty people died in Iowa. That’s eight or nine more. So, that’s the big news. We got to get our cameras to Iowa. There’s people dying. This thing’s a flood. Let’s run with it.
We’ll get some people to argue it’s not a flood. That it’s just damp in Iowa. Rainfall is up 1.6 inches, but it’s not really a flood. Knee-deep at worse.
And then we’ll get people to argue that it is a flood. People are buying groceries on boats. Homes have become water-logged and uncomfortable. People have been catching the flu.
We could get a lot out of this Iowa flood story. Especially if the death count continues rising. So forget some miners in West Virginia. Ya’ll woulda just messed the story up anyways.
If you’re going to die, you got to be the only person that died that day. Sharon is doing all right. Dragging it out a little. He had his window. It’s been a slow week. He better hope it happens soon though. Before some happy-go-lucky-blonde-and-nineteen-cutie goes jogging one night in Middle America and never finishes her route because her head is chopped off. Then all of a sudden Sharon is in a 3-inch column on the side, and some grieving mother is hogging all the ink. They’ve got a really good picture. Nice little caption too. Really sad stuff. You can actually feel her pain.
You know they’re raring to go with this Sharon thing. They’ve got it all written and ready. Bio to biopsy. Quotes from doctors. Israeli reaction. Someone reporting from the Gaza strip. Guests lined up in the studio. They’re just hoping and wishing something bigger don’t break. Praying that the pretty girl running and listening to her I-pod makes it back to her home safely, scalp intact. Because, if she doesn’t, it’s really going to be a hassle for the media. They’re going to have to move all of their equipment. They had a nice hotel in Tel Aviv. They were starting to enjoy falafel. And now they got to fly all the way across the world to some slap-stick town in upstate South Dakota where some mother just lost her youngest daughter. What a pain in the ass.
They’re hoping that Sharon has the legs of Terry Schiavo. They don’t want to pull the plug on this one just yet.
Alas, however, some notable people are not as lucky as Sharon, Schiavo and that pretty little thing in South Dakota, and manage to slip through the media’s cracks by competing with a force greater than their own. Face it, famous or not, if you had died during the tsunami you would not have gotten any air-time. That’s your fault. You don’t die during a disaster. You got to wait for the dust to settle. You got to die on a day without devastation. Just you. Dead at 43. That’s a death.
When no one else died that day, so you get the all the headlines to your self. A mast-head. That’s a well executed death. You waited until the moment was right, and then you went with it. It don’t really matter how old your are, just how many others died as well. If you want your death to stand out, you got to do it alone.
For example, Tony Dungy’s son. Didn’t really have to be that big a deal. Probably should’ve been a family issue. Some private grieving. All of a sudden my mom knows about it. You know why. Because that kid was the only one who died that day. So every camera was available.
And take another example, Johnnie Cochran. Johnnie’s Cochran’s death should have been a big deal. The best lawyer in the world died last year. But the Pope passed on two days later. You can’t go up against the Pope Johnnie. I don’t care how many quips you have, you can’t go up against the Pope. And it’s a damn shame. Cochran deserved better press.
Same thing happened to Frank Perdue. The chicken guy. Went right in the middle of the two. You might not even know he’s cooked, but he is. And, c’mon, Frank, it’s good chicken, but you’re not beating Cochran, and you certainly aren’t bumping the Pope. Really good chicken though. Shame to lose you.
If you’re famous and you want every horn for your fanfare, you got to plan your exit strategy perfectly.
If you’re not famous though, and you still want some coverage, then there is definitely comfort in numbers. If you go with a whole lot of other people as well, you are going to be guaranteed some sort of shock and anguish. The more, the better. Big numbers really impress. If you can live with the fact that instead of a headline, you’ll be on some list, then there should be some safety in going with the group. Maybe a mass suicide, or a catastrophe, or during an attack, or joining the army is the right choice for you.
As well, if you go really gruesomely, you should take some solace in the fact that you are certainly going to garner some media attention. It won’t go uncensored. Everyone loves a good murder. You might even get your own movie out of it. Of course, your going to have to share top-billing with the killer, but that comes with the territory. And your family will probably get a nice settlement in the civil trial.
The media loves death more than life itself. But you got to do it right. You either got to be the bloodiest, the most bazaar, in the largest amount, or the biggest death of the day. Or else you’re only going to make it to the back-pages. You’ll be lucky to get an obit. And no one wants that. We all want our fifteen minutes. Even if it costs us our lives.
That’s the beautiful thing about death in the modern media era. We have so many choices. Suicide, stroke, overdose, heart attack, earthquake, the options are limitless. And, if you want to be remembered, all you have to do is choose the right one. And the right time.
