Everyone’s extremely worried about this whole climate crisis thing, but it’s really not that big of a deal. Mother Earth is just going through menopause. I mean, she’s been around for a couple of eons now, we had to be expecting it. And there’s nothing to be scared of. It’s a completely natural process that every woman must go through. Why would Mrs. Nature be any different?

It would certainly explain the hot flashes she’s been experiencing. It’s just labial warming. The hole in her o-zone layer isn’t growing, it’s just drying up. Her river no longer flows quite so strong, and that’s fine, she was tired of all the rapid visitors anyway.

And the icebergs melting. Those are just the beginning of her night sweats. The reason why she will wake up totally drenched one morning. But there’s absolutely no need to fear. It’s nothing that a nice, warm bath can’t alleviate.

There’s also a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why the seasons are becoming less seasonal. Why some are a little irregular. Or even skipped altogether. Her cycle is just changing. But think of the positive, soon we won’t have to deal with those pesky seasons at all anymore. It will be like California. Every day’s a vacation. Every week of every month.

As for the emotional symptoms she’s enduring, it sure would account for all the anxiety in the air. All the fear and the worry. That’s normal. It comes with the territory of aging. Getting old is synonymous with getting scared. It’s nothing to freak out about.

Plus the mood changes. Relatively tranquil periods followed by hurricanes of emotions. At times completely peaceful, and then, just like that devastating. Sure, it can make her a little hard to live with, but she’s the mother of our children, we know how to deal with her. No need to go running for the hills

Oh, and the forgetfulness. The senior moments. And the forgetfulness. The senior moments. What was she doing again? Oh, that’s right, orbiting.

Menopause. The cessation of menstruation. Which, on the plus side, means we won’t have to worry about any volcanic eruptions ever again. It also means were probably not going to be welcoming another little continent into the world anytime soon either. But seven is more than enough. Truth be told, I don’t think she really needed another mass to feed. The globe is getting a little over-populated at it is.

It’s funny that all the environmentalists fail to consider this one fact when dealing with the environmental crisis, that maybe it’s just natural. That what’s going on with this planet is simply the natural progression of things. And no matter what you do, you can’t fight nature. I’m sorry preservationists, she’s getting older, eventually she’s going to die, and you’re just going to have to get used to that. That’s the way these things go.

If anyone should have a beef, it’s Father Time. He hasn’t been laid in ages. The last time he got some it was still Dark. There wasn’t even industry. Since then she’s always complaining of dryness and discomfort. Father Time may soon have to pay for a private party with a planet in some distant nebula of ill refute.

She had a good run. She existed existence to it’s fullest. She had some great times. A few crazy millenniums. Dinosaurs. Homo Erecti. Pakistanis. She’s been around the sun once or twice. There’s no need to combat this. Let’s just enjoy all the memories we’ve gotten to share with her.

Mother Earth is simply no spring creation anymore. She’s been through a lot since the first day. War, pestilence, plagues, ice, acid rain, killer bees, deforestation, reforestation, molestation, fog, smog, and one really big bang. How much more can we really think she has in the tank?

The best thing we can do is to let her age gracefully. We can’t protect her, but we can help her up the stairs, or through the stars. Tell her she still looks pretty. Listen to her stories. Respect her. And then, when that fateful day comes, when we have to say goodbye, we’ll just have to find the next woman to take care of us all.