With the price of gas these days we now need to pick and choose with caution what activities we are willing to perform. We have to consider carefully whether or not to leave the house. We can’t just go where we please anymore. There’s a certain risk factor we must now take intoaccount. The course of our lives has changed since the gas price surpassed 3.11. We are no longer free to travel without a certain amount of worry. We must now live in fear of burning up our gas unnecessarily. Our entire way of life has been destroyed.

First we were in shock. Is this really how much gas is going to cost? Then we were in awe. Aw crap, this really is how much gas is going to cost. And now we’re just bogged down in this mess of a futile situation. We can’t pull the pumps out, because we really got no other source of fuel, but we can’t keep pumping at the rate we’re going, or we’re going to run out of money. So what do we do with our tanks?

Do we reduce our fuel intake? Only fill up half-way. But then we’re just going to burn through it faster and we’ll be right at the same yellow shell in the same situation in only a couple of days.

Do we drive less? How can we? We’ve created a mobile society, and to try to stabilizle it now is impossible.

Why don’t we all just give up our cell-phones and use the pay one at the corner.Do we drive smaller cars? Big friggin’ deal. That’s like throwing a sandbag in front of a raging river. I’m not mad at the people driving SUV’s. So what? I just wish they would give me a ride. You know they got some extra room in that third row of seating.

I drive a small car and it’s not doing me any big favors. In fact, I drive a shit car and that’s not helping either. It costs me over forty dollars to fill up my tank. I drive a ’93 Pontiac Sunbird with over a hundred and seventy thousand miles on it. I don’t think I could sell my car for forty dollars. So I just keep filling ‘er up and seeing how far she’ll take me.

Gas is America’s greatest monopoly. We’ve all got somewhere to go, but we got to pay someone to get there. Our own ability to get up and go has been economized.

Man, gas is so expensive I’ve had to give up some friends. Mainly the ones without benefits. Gas is so expensive I googled siphoning. I prefer the sucking method. Gas is so expensive I’ve had to excercise. See how far I can stretch it. Gas is so expensive I’ve had to decrease my bean intake. I can’t afford the fiber. Gas is so expensive that when I go and get fast food, I can’t afford to drive thru. I got to park and walk all the way inside just to get it to go. I’m about to go Mad Max.

And the thing is I don’t have a solution for the oil crisis. I’d like to offer a plan, but the truth is I wouldn’t know crude from refined. I do however have a few suggestions for all gas stations that may make the transition into absurdity easier. First off, you better fucking squee-gee my windows. For forty-fucking dollars I want to be able to eat off of my windshield. Secondly, when I pay with my credit card, after I’m done filling up, don’t ask me if I want a receipt. I just spent a ridiculous amount of money at this pump, I don’t need a souvenir. And thirdly, I only think it’s fair that every customer be given a gift certificate to the mini-mart equal to the value of one gallon of gasoline. Because, while this country may not have a lot of gas these days, there is certainly no shortage of snack-cakes. If I’m going to pay these ludacris prices I at least want two slim-jims and a snapple.

America’s gas tank is half empty. Pardon me for being a pessimist, but I’m ranting on fumes here. We’ve already pulled into the largest gas station in the world, and that hasn’t helped us fill it back up, so I’m beginning to wonder what will. We can look towards some forests in Alaska, but you know you’re in danger when you tap into your reserve tank. The gaslight is on people, and we’re only begining to see how far we can make it.

That’s the only light we’re seeing too. Because where’s the light at the end of this tunnel? How are we even going to afford to make it that far? We’re stuck in the middle of the tunnel, sitting in traffic, watching our little stick droop slowly towards E. And the price is only going up. The tunnel’s only expanding and the light is only moving farther away.

Is America down to its last gallon? Is our engine simply running out of fuel? Can we continue at the rate we were going? Or do we got to ease up a little. Lift our foot off the petal. Pull it away from the medal. Put it in neutral. Maybe even park. Do we have to start walking? Start slowing down? Start listening to those doomsaying, dire, distasteful liberal environmentalist mudslingers?

Or do we keep on driving on. Off into the sunset. Forget how much gas costs, we got money. We’re the richest country in the world, what do we got to get out of our car for? For a fifty dollar tank that used to cost forty that used to cost twenty-eight. Big deal, I bet the new tank is better. Bigger. Ain’t no one gonna slow us down. Oh no. We got to keep on driving.