Armageddon Excited
Now that North Korea has the bomb all the doomsayers are crawling out of their ditches to declare, pessmistically, that the end of the world is near. But, you see, me, I’m an optimist. I say maybe the world’s time has come. Maybe it’s not such a terrible idea we put an end to it, while we’ve still got the chance.
Think about it. If we don’t end it, who will? This is not a decision we want to let someone else make for us. If it’s the fourth quarter, and there’s only one shot left, don’t we at least want the rock in our hands? Let’s step behind the plate on this one and make the call for all of humanity. Bombs away.
It’s not like we’ll ever know anyway. We’ll let the powers that be handle it. One night, after some milk and cookies, we’ll all go to sleep, boom-boom in our beds, and never wake up again. It won’t be so bad. What’d you have to do tomorrow anyway? Go to work?
We owe it to this planet to destroy it. It had a good run. It existed existence to its fullest. But, now, it’s getting a little old, and beginning to deteriorate. It’s just not the planet it once was. Does it really need to cling to these final pitiful years, gasping for unpolluted air, feverish, just waiting for it all to finally be over? I don’t want see our globe go out like that.
Let’s do the right thing here. Let’s euthanize Mother Earth. Pull the plug on Father Time. Take the load off Atlas. Donate their organs to the solar sytem. The world deserves better. We should just bite the bullet and blow the whole thing to constellations. We can have Jack push the button.
I’m just thinking about the children. What’s in the the best interest of the kids? Should they have to grow up in a warm globe, sun-burning their skin to a bacony crisp? Should they have to grow up with the fear of nuclear holocaust, practicing hiding under their desks every day? Should they have to grow up with the constant threat of an asteroid hurtling into earth and big-banging us back into nothing? What a terrible world they would have to inhabit.
Think about it. If we just call it quits right now there will be no more terrorism, no more gas crisis, no more school shootings, no more global warming, no more o-zone, no more liberal media, no more Administration, no more quaker oats, no more raisins, no more Mid-East, no more Midwest, no more mid-July, no more plane crashes, no more hurricanes, no more typhoons, no more tumors, no more t’retz syndrome, no more toxic waste, no more chicken wings, no more mayonaise, no more happy hours, no more slumber parties, no more pancreas, no more diplopmats, no more. Do we really want more? How much more can this place take?
Plus, if you think this planet is getting over-populated, just imagine what heaven must be like by now. (Especially with all those China-men) It’s only a matter of time before that place hits capacity. And then we’re shit out of luck. Stuck in a long line for all of eternity. It’s time to end this pre-party and all go get a drink at the great bar in the sky. (Maybe that’s hell, by the way, standing in a line that never moves with all the ugly people not dressed nice enough to get in.)
I mean, it’s just, like, the end of the world. Let’s not freak out here. We all know death is a part of life. That’s a fact. Think about it. The world will end. It has been written.
Don’t be scared. What, do we have to fear but fear itself? And fuck fear. Here’s our chance to stick it to fear. Once and for all. Hey fear, suck on this, we’re going to go prance on some clouds now. And meet Elvis Presley. The King. What do we have to fear if we get rid of the unknown? Maybe this is the answer we’ve been searching for the whole time. The meaning of death.
The End of The World has been hung over our heads for far too long now. It’s been the ultimate scare tactic. So what, the world ends. Wah. It wasn’t the greatest world anyway. It had it’s flaws. Wars, hunger, trouble, and a terrible third. We are the world. We need to do the honorable thing here. Nuke it.
Goodbye O kind, kind world. We’ll miss you always. Thank you for the times we’ve shared. Thanks for the eons. You’ve been better to us than we’ve been to you. We just think is in all of our best interests. We’re sorry. But, always remember this, after we destroy this world and leave it behind, we’ll all be in a better place.
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