SCOTT PELLEY:

And now for “A Few Minutes with Andy

Rooney.”

               ANDY ROONEY

I’ve looked in the mirror maybe a million

times in my life-time and all I’ve ever

learned is that I’m getting older.

My hair used to be pepper, now it’s salt.

Not that I’m sour about it. I feel it

looks distinguished.

The thing about getting older is they say

you get wiser but they were probably

pretty old and senile when they said that.

Do you think that a tuna fish, swimming

around in the sea, has any idea how

delicious he tastes crushed up with

mayonnaise, and covered with a slice of

cheese on some toasted bread?

When I do die, and I’ve accepted that that

probably will happen, I just hope I die on

a day that no one else famous dies on as

well. I don’t want to get second-billing.

I also hope I don’t die on a day that a

bunch of other people die on as well, in a

disaster or an attack or a tragedy of some

sort. You know that will get all the

headlines.

When I go, I want to be the only thing

that went that day.

Does a chicken have any clue how fantastic

its baby fetuses are fried on a flat

griddle and served with a side of bacon

and home-fries?

I’m not so much afraid to die as I’m

afraid not to be alive.

Some people choose to be buried. Some

people choose to be cremated. I’m thinking

about going half and half.

I remember how I used to hate going to the

cemetery with my parents to visit deceased

relatives I barely knew. I always had

something better to do. I wonder about

the kids that will be dragged to my

grave. What will they be missing out on?

I feel like every murder now is a murder

suicide. That seems pretty cowardly to me.

Back in my day if your murdered someone

you at least faced the music.

I hate when I use my credit card to pump

gas or go to an ATM and the machine asks

me if I want a receipt. I just spent too

much money, I don’t need a souvenir.

It’s a funny little thing, this thing they

call life. I’m just glad I never took

it that seriously.

The question the whole sports world must ask in the wake of “The Admission” last night by Lebron James that he is not good enough to lead a team to an NBA title and will therefore join the storied Miami Heat franchise is, who cares? Who cares now about Lebron James? And for an athlete, isn’t that the saddest question possible?

            As it was reinforced last night, the number one factor in “The Admission” was “championships.” That’s why Lebron left Cleveland, that’s why he’s headed to South Beach, that’s why he “sacrificed” millions, that’s why he teamed up with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. To win championships. So, then, we’re forced to ask, who cares if they win championships?

            Let’s fast-forward 11 months to next June and picture the scene. Miami, after mauling the Eastern Conference, defeats the Lakers in a tight 6 game series. Lebron holds the Naismith trophy high above his head, crying. Who cares? Who’s happy? Miami Heat fans? Miami fucking Heat fans? Who cares about Miami Heat fans? What a tortured fan base. Always so loyal. They just love their Heat in Miami. Miami Heat fans don’t care about the Miami Heat. No one cares about the Miami Heat. They’re a nothing franchise in a great-weather city.

            And then how about the casual fan? Would they care if the Miami Heat won the championship? Not really. Of course they won the championship. They have Lebron James and Dwyane Wade. Weren’t they supposed to win the championship? It’s like the Dream Team. Sure, when they win the gold medal, we’re happy, we’re relieved, good for them. But no one really cares. Because of course they won the gold medal. They were supposed to win the gold medal.

            And how about the fans of Cleveland? Will they care if Lebron wins a championship? Absolutely not. Why would they? Lebron is dead to them. He couldn’t hurt them anymore. He already went on national television and took an eponymous steamer all over their collective conscious, what do they care if he wins a championship? Lebron is nothing to them anymore.

            As for what they should do when he comes to Cleveland to play his first game with his new team. Should they boo? Should they cheer? They should not show up. That would be the ultimate statement. They should turn their back on him just like he did to them. How awesome would it be if Lebron came to town, entered the arena, and it was completely empty? Do this Cleveland. The first every athlete boycott. As we learned this week, Lebron loves attention. So he’ll relish your boos. But an empty arena is something he won’t be able to cope with.

            There is not one person in America that likes Lebron James more today then they did yesterday. I honestly believe that. Even a “die-hard” Miami Heat fan must think he’s kind of an asshole. A super-star who went on national television and admitted I’m not good enough. A super-star who talked about sacrifice because he’s going to make 15 million dollars instead of 16 million, when the real sacrifice was his loyalty, his dignity, his respect. A super-star who took the easy way out and will win the least engaging championships in sports’ history. A super-star who was beloved, who was admired, who was worshipped for his loyalty as well as his greatness, who belonged to a city, who was family. And now, a super-star that no one cares about.

ON Screen Graphic: NBC Logo

Announcer (V.O.): Coming this fall to NBC.

Tracking shot over a rolling wheat field and through a typical small, rural town.

Announcer (V.O.): We’ve scoured the country for those who need help, for those who need a change, for those who need hope. For the fattest of the fat.

Cut to aerial shot: Group of obese people in a green field with their hands up cheering.

Announer (V.O.): And, we’re going to yell at them. NBC is proud to introduce our newest inspirational series: Yelling At Fat People.

On screen graphic: Yelling at Fat People. Music cue: Nickleback “If Today Was Your Last Day”

Cut to: Various fat people, one by one, in sweat bands, bright shirts, and shorts standing and facing camera being yelled at by a trainer.

Trainer: You disgusting monster! You repulsive beast! You barely human, food-court eating, mouth-breathing, embarrassment to your country!

Fat Person #1: Thank you. Thank you so much.

Trainer: You make me want to puke. You make me want to put my finger down my throat and vomit my insides. You scare little children.

Fat Person #2: You are so amazing for doing this.

Trainer: Just stand there! Because you’re too fat to do anything else. Too fat to run, too fat to walk, too fat to live. You should not be allowed to exist.

Fat Person #3: More! More! Please give me more.

Graphic on screen: Yelling At Fat People.

Cut to: Fat Person to camera.

Fat Person #1: If I kept living the way I was living, I was gonna die.

Cut to shot of Fat Person in their house eating with their family.

Fat Person #1: And I knew diet and exercise wouldn’t work for me. I needed to be humiliated. Publicly. Over and over again.

As Fat Person #1 talks we see them being yelled at.

Announcer (V.O.): Each week these fat people won’t be forced to lose the mass, they’ll be forced to face the masses.

Trainer: And by calling or texting, you out there will be able to yell at fat people too.

Cut to: Fat person staring out at camera.

Phone-in Voice (V.O.): Hi, this is Carolyn from Minnetonka and I just wanted to say you are a fat, pathetic, abomination. Your fat face is scaring my dog.

During the phone call an on-screen ticker appears with messages scrolling across reading “Ewww…this Fats0 gives me nightmares,” ”OMG…what a pig. Gross!”, “I h8 this fat a$$”.

Cut to: Fat Person #2 to camera.

Fat Person #2: I didn’t think I could ever change. Then I was yelled at. And yelled at. And yelled at again. By strangers. By people in perfect shape. By people disgusted by my very being.

The inspirational music swells as Fat Person #2 keels over crying in slow motion. A trainer yells at him.

Fat person #2: Now I’m ashamed not to change. Now I’m ashamed of who I am.

Announcer (V.O.): This fall, fat people from all over this country come together to transform their lives. To embark on an amazing journey. To be embarrassed. To be yelled at.

Trainer: This show’s not about losing weight. It’s about losing self esteem.

Announcer (V.O.): Yelling At Fat People. Coming this fall to NBC.

Blackout.