With the health care debate now shifted from the Senate into the hallowed halls of The House of Representatives it seems like an excellent time to evaluate the good elected hands that we’re all in and that will be holding it. These congress people are about to make some big decisions so we might as well try to get to know them.
For example, I’m sure we’ll all find it very reassuring that Jeff Flake (Arizona, 6th), Kendrick Meek (Florida, 17th), and Jerry and Jim Moran (Kansas 1st and Virginia 8th) will be forceful players in deciding our health insurance futures. If anybody inspires our collective confidence it is certainly Mr. Flake, Mr. Meek, and the Morans.
Also, as someone who has been through a few contentious debates before, I know the importance of having a couple of dicks involved who aren’t afraid to speak their mind. Which is why I’m glad Norman D. Dicks (Washington, 6th) will be a prominent figure in these proceedings. Along with Anthony Weiner (New York, 9th), John D. Dingell (Michigan, 15th), and John Boehner (Ohio, 8th), that’s a lot of cocky guys inserting themselves into this one sanctified chamber. You know there will be some fireworks.
Just as important though is to make sure that there are a few people who know how to cut loose and have a good time as well. These sessions are going to get intense and you’re going to need to have a couple of folks that can just relax the vibe and offer everyone some relief. That’s where John Boozman (Arkansas, 3rd) comes in real handy. Not to mention if you get Chaka Fattah (Pennsylvania, 2nd) and Roy Blunt (Missouri, 7th) to work together they could produce something pretty substantial. I’d love to see a Fattah-Blunt plan gain some steam in congress. If so, Marcia L. Fudge (Ohio, 11th) better stay out of the way, or she could get devoured whole.
We all know that some of the best compromises emerge from the back and forth between two opposing opinions so it is encouraging to learn that there are numerous people from extremely different backgrounds that will be engaged in this deliberation. For example, one would love to see what kind of deal Steve Israel (New York, 2nd) and Donna M. Christian-Christensen (U.S. Virgin Islands) could strike. Or you could put two natural opponents like Virginia Foxx (North Carolina, 5th) and Phil Hare (Illinois, 17th) in a room and see what emerges. How about Carolyn Kilpatrick (Michigan, 13th) and Patrick McHenry (North Carolina, 10th)? Now that could get ugly.
But, of course you also want some people who get along well with each other if you’re really going to try and solve some major problems. Which is why I’d like to find out what Bob Goodlatte (Virginia, 6th) could come up with if he was working with Melissa Bean (Illinois, 8th). Maybe Mike Rogers (Alabama, 3rd) could somehow find some common ground with Mike Rogers (Michigan 8th). But most promising could be some sort of pact between David R. Obey (Wisconsin, 7th) and Eric J.J. Massa (New York, 29th.) Obey, I order you to listen to your Massa colleague, and see if he has something to say.
Oh yes, there are a lot of talented people taking on this challenging debate. We’ve got the great economist Adam Smith (Washington, 9th) offering his sound financial opinions, the legendary Connie Mack (Florida, 14th) bringing his record-breaking winning attitude, and the soulful Al Green (Texas, 9th) assuaging all our concerns with the sound of his sultry speaking voice on the chamber floor. It’s good to have some legitimate star-power back in Congress.
And I like the fact that there are some representatives who are just upfront with their attitudes. The no-nonsense Steve Buyer (Indiana, 4th) will probably purchase whatever it is the current plan has to sell. We all know that Nathan Deal (Georgia, 9th) would be willing to compromise. Certainly Zachary T. Space (Ohio, 18th) could make room for a few new additions to the bill. Aaron Schock (Illinois, 18th) won’t be caught off guard no matter what’s thrown at him. Anna G. Eshoo (California, 14th) doesn’t shy away from her responsibilities. And Ike Skelton (Missouri, 14th) has nothing in his closet to hide.
Plus Bobby Bright (Alabama, 2nd) might have a few new ideas. Perhaps he can share them with Ed Pastor (Arizona, 4th). Who then in turn can go tell Rob Bishop (Utah, 1st). Who can go higher up the ladder and tell Mary Bono (California, 45th). And then something really could get done.
I’m curious to see what a few true professionals like Doc Hastings (Washington, 4th) and Dean Heller (Nevada, 2nd) could pull off. Especially with a little help from the always willing Ron Kind (Wisconsin, 3rd). I just hope they don’t wind up getting bogged down in Joseph R. Pitts (Pennsylvania, 16th) who always ruins a sweet idea. Just ask Marion Berry (Arkansas, 1st). Berry’s had some terrible times with Pitts before.
But when you’re going into a battle it’s good to know that you’ll have Louise Slaughter (New York, 28th) on your side. No one wants to mess with her. Not even her rabid opponents Frank Wolf (Virginia, 10th) and Lloyd Doggett (Texas, 25th) who do their best to stay out of her way. And obviously no one wants to cross paths with Zach Wamp (Tennessee, 3rd), because people who don’t know what it means to be Wamped are in no rush to learn.
Finally, I would make great pains to avoid the considerable wrath of my favorite congresswoman—Virginia Brown-Waite (Florida, 5th). Because the last thing you would want is a big load of Brown-Waite dropped all over you on the Capitol building floor. And she’s known to drop it hard.
And so there you have it. A selection of the selected group of people who will help decide on and form the most important legislation that affects our day-to-day lives. Our elected officials. The people that truly speak for us. The people that fight for me and you. The people that are trusted to represent our best interests. The people looking out for us. The completely random and arbitrary if you don’t live in their district people that truly have our personal well-being in mind. The people you’ve now heard of.
I just hope they get it right. Or else I might have to move to Steve Austria’s (Ohio, 7th) district. Austria, after all, offers universal health care.
This week’s trivia:
Famous Bullies
1) Oh man, if there was one person I hated in this world growing up it was this guy, Kevin Arnold’s older brother and brutal, brutal bully on the Wonder Years. Let’s start you off easy; what was the name of Kevin’s awful older brother?
2) It gives me great pleasure to ask about the first ginger-headed bully on this list, yes there will be another, but we’re talking here about Robert “Bobby” Budnick the red-headed, sleeveless punk who along with Donkey Lips would terrorize the kids at summer camp. For a nostalgic 1 point, name the summer camp featured in Salute Your Shorts.
3) Adam would literally beat me to death with his soft artist hands if I went one question further without asking about the bully with the loudest laugh, the ha-ha heckler himself, Nelson Muntz. As we all know, Nelson travels in a group of bullies, who always turn out to be fair-weather friends and are willing to turn on him in a moment’s notice. For 1 point, name 1 of these 3 bully cohorts of Nelson.
4) Has there ever been a greater villain portrayed on the silver screen then arch-rival of both George and Marty McFly, Biff Tannen? The answer is no. Through the three Back to the Future films we learn a lot about Biff, but perhaps most importantly, and certainly most important to the third film, is that we learn of Biff’s ancestry, namely his great-great grandfather. The antagonist in the third Back to the Future, what is the full-name of Biff’s distant relative?
5) Okay, and now it’s time for that second red-headed bully, and another one who appeared on Nickelodeon, Roger Klotz. Klotz was the green-skinned, leather-jacket clad nemesis of this titular character from 1991-1999. Name the Nickelodeon show that featured the evil Roger Klotz.
6) And finally, we could not end this round without asking about legendary bully Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid. In the film Lawrence and his band of Cobra-Kai ass-kickers continually beat up Daniel until he earns their respect with a crane-kick right to the chin. Typecast as a bully in numerous ‘80s movies including Just One of the Guys and Back to School, name the actor who portrayed Johnny Lawrence.
Columbus, Ohio
1) Well, if you know one thing about Columbus, Ohio you must know that it is the home of The Ohio State University, which also happens to be the largest university, by student body and size of college campus, in the United States. Named after the state tree of Ohio, what is the mascot of Ohio State University?
2) You’d never know it, but a lot of great movies were filmed in Columbus, Ohio. In fact, I had a hard time picking out the greatest as both Traffic and Silence of the Lambs were filmed partly in Columbus. But I think these two get trumped by the fact that The Shawshank Redemption was also filmed in Columbus, Ohio. The Shawshank Redemption would be nominated for seven Academy Awards, but not win a single one. What other 1994 movie stole Shawkshank’s thunder and swept the Academy Awards?
3) Speaking of Columbus, Ohio we owe a great debt to that city. For it was within its hallowed precincts that the baddest band in the land O.A.R. was formed. O.A.R. the frattiest of the frat-rock groups out there boasts of such mega-hits as Crazy Game of Poker and, well, Crazy Game of Poker. O.A.R. if of course a trivia favorite, not because of their music, but because their band-name is an acronym. For a shameful 1 point, what does O.A.R. stand for?
4) Columbus, despite a population of over 1.7 million people is the home of only one major professional sports team. Playing their games in Nationwide Arena, what sports franchise proudly calls Columbus home?
5) Oh man. Thank you Columbus fucking Ohio for being the birthplace of the man who got the whole fall of the empire started. Yes Columbus is where the father of George HW Bush, and the grandfather of George W. Bush was born. A US Senator from Connecticut himself until 1963, name this father of a dumbnasty.
6) Now this is a great question. All this time we’ve been talking about Columbus and we’ve yet to mention that it is in fact the capital of the rust-belt state of Ohio. It is also the 4th most populous state capital in the country. For 2 points, name 2 of the 3 more populous state capitals, and we’ll give you a bonus point if you can name all 3.
Answers:
Bullies
1) Wayne
2) Camp Anawanna
3) Jimbo Jones, Dolph, Kearney
4) Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen
5) Doug
6) William “Billy” Zabka
Columbus
1) Buckeye
2) Forrest Gump
3) Of A Revolution
4) Columbus Blue Jackets
5) Prescott Bush
6) Phoenix, Indianapolis, Austin
